Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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