The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
