I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
