At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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