awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
