I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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