he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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