P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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