After last night, I could never be a politician.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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