You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
