I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
