So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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