all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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