I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
