The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
