You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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