DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Randomize
