Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Plan B is the new Plan A
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
