RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
