i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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