Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
