So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
