Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
