how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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