So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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