I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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