I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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