we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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