Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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