So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize