11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My liver just broke up with me...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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