Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
