am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
