my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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