This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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