I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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