Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
