What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
