these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
