Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
