A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
