I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
