through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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