I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
