Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
