you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
