did you get engaged???
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
