also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
