Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I want her autograph on my taint
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
