So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
