She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
