Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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