Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
