My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
