Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
