hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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