I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
