I can text with my tongue
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
