she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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