So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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