I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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