I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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