Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
