I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
