Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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