Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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