I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You're like the curious george of whores
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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