i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize