Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just googled if crying burns calories
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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