But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
